Existential Analogies...

In a lot of ways each of us are different
We hurt differently; we laugh differently
In every move, in every spoken word
In every emotion expressed and let go
We show and share ourselves a little more
Like dots in he night sky that form a celestial bond
We beings have an existential bond
Of laughter, amazement, anger and sorrow
All in the hope of a better tomorrow
But have we ever stopped to consider
That we may not be connected
What if we do not have an agenda
What if there is no big picture
there is no heaven or hell
no rewards or retribution
Just dots that aimlessly bob around
Hoping just hoping that we mean something
That maybe all that we endure and enjoy
Is for a reason; a bigger plan
That we are but a community that thrive with each other
And not die in isolation

These questions bother me more today
Than they ever have in a lifetime
I want things to change
I want to grab on to the reigns and lead myself into the madness
We call home!

Do I even belong?

I'm not sure where to start
All I understand is this yearning to belong
Lost in all the commotion
My thoughts I cannot hear
Everywhere I look, I see
The nightmares that drew me in
I think I'm free, free from the pain
Then why do I still feel sore,
Sore through all of my being
Like all that I believed in
Was RAPED
Raped of my innocence, my integrity
And the dreams I once held close
Where do I look now
For help that I dont understand
But NEED
As I tread along these roads confused and lost
I know not where to look
I know not where to go
I know not how to be
How to be ME?

Dignity; Myold friend...

I woke up today beside my dignity,
It blinked its lazy eye and blew in my face,
I smelt abandoned buildings and forgotten faces.

I breathe through corrupted lungs,
It’s you I am breathing,
The riot of colours is dead in its paltry grave.

I reside amongst roses long forgotten,
They tell me stories of the lovers, who never came looking for them,
My dignity chokes back its sadism.

Burnt and bitter; I have woken up fitful on a bed of ash,
I used to be friends with sleep,
It’s the art of somnambulating I have discovered.

I am leaving I say,
I pack my bags, stuff them with feelings,
Your words; I know a graveyard nearby.

Dignity, too much fucking dignity,
I was told, will be the death of me,
I smile a savaged wild smile.

Partners in crime...

There is a sadness that sleeps within me,
It wakes up only to feed,
It says it will eat me alive; A few years down the line.
I wash the fear down with rum,
Write; to dissolve its threatening life form,
It is consuming me, growing inside my body.
It is a bastard child,
I am the mother, who nurtures it,
I gave it wings, now it flies, within my mind.
I am made up of the darkest of matter,
There is no galaxy within me, no stars that shine,
I sleep under a loveless sky.
I wrench my pain; enclose it in my silent suffering,
“Nobody must know”, it says,
“That we are partners in crime"

Destiny fulfilled...

The razor's edge
Honed...
Sharp...
Slicing ...
Tearing away
A flash of light
Ending it all
Seeking pain
The final ecstasy
Searching
Reality
Destiny fulfilled
Death.

Maybe this is how it ends...

My eyes are tired, don't want to close them.
'Cause if I do, I know I'll break down.
The light in me is starting to grow dim
and yet I'm still so tightly wound.

My body hurts, still I move on.
My heart gets faster with every beat.
I wonder, will I make it to dawn?
No one knows so I retreat.

Running on the inside, I trip and fall;
I feel the pain scourge through.
I miss my sanity most of all
and realize there is nothing left to do.

So when I fall, I don't try to stop;
everything slows in pace.
I just let my body drop
and feel relief spread across my face.

I lie in the dark, cold and alone,
thinking about how I don't care.
The meaning in this is still unknown
and try to decipher, I do not dare.

I shed a tear and close my eyes;
I let myself crumble apart.
I feel a piece inside of me die
and knowing this breaks my heart...

Uncertainty...

Uncertainty beckons me
These fears I cannot hide
Leading a life of falsities
A kaleidescope of sorts
Remembering the days gone past
Of things said, promises made
Of lies told, of pains unspoken
What am I yet to find out?
While I weave this web of deceit
You seem even more distant
The truth is I'm saving myself
From feeling anything for you
I see a little part of me disappear
As I fade from your life...