confused and composed

I know you are not good for me...But it's worse without you...even when I don't want you...I end up needing you...you are my favourite joy...and my endless pain...I tried to hate you..but all I hated was how much I love you... 

Just for tonight...

Dear Rebound Sex, you must be the hardest thing to unravel right now. You see, I always opposed you, I looked down on you, I counted my lucky stars and I was proud to never have used you. You’re a crappy way to ease pain and you spin and twirl around in my head, taunting me, seducing me. You make me lose my mind about what could be or couldn’t be or what never really was, at all.

Dear Rebound Sex, the fact that I turn to you must be the most desperate thing I’ve done. I’m afraid, of being rejected, being accepted, being in love or not feeling anything even though I thought I did. You corrupt me to no end. I throw my standards out the window, I give in to my temptations, like a warm bath I sink into you and for a moment, just a moment, my head is silent. My ears hum, my skin tingles, my fingers trace lines on your back, my legs pull you closer. For a moment, I feel loved. I feel appreciated. I feel beautiful. But as sanity fades and insanity takes over, or it might just be the other way around, I open my eyes and see nothing but darkness in the bed where we sleep. You have rolled over and are now snoring peacefully while I dissect my every thought.

I have corrupted everything I stand for, I am a notch in a bedpost, a stain on the sheets, a discardable sex toy, an empty vessel that once contained confidence, trust and love. I’m only part of a list and objectified by my body, I’m cheap and easy and I am ashamed to no end, that I never had the back bone to oppose you. So tell me why, even when I feel like leaving in the middle of the night, distressed and struck by despair, I instead move close to you. I run my fingers through your hair, I hear you sigh contently, I kiss you on the lips and I hold on tight, preparing for a night of insomnia and doubts.

Dear Rebound Sex, we may never love, you might not even like, but just for tonight, can we pretend we do?

6:05 am

Orange streaks the sky,
Angry scars on the milky blue
Remnants of the night.
Eyes tight from lack of sleep, bloodshot.
Head pounds, mouth sour from
The taste of yesterday still.
The same clothes cling to skin
Kissed by smoke, drenched in whispers.
Hair knotted, makeup smudged
From tears. of joy or pain?
Early morning air, birds chirping
Along to the lonely sound of footsteps.

Stained glass

Walking on glass shards would be much less painful than being by you.
Because while glass is fragile, it’s already shattered, so I don’t have to worry about the cracks that would’ve been caused my own two feet.
Everything feels like it’s a mistake just waiting to happen, and one little step out of line would have you snap, hidden by heavy sarcasm and leaving me stunned in silence.
While you may dismiss cries and screams and lies, there’s no doubt in my mind that you analyze everyone around you.
You don’t think of yourself as special, yet you effortlessly  make everyone else think you are.
Annoyed by how people admire your work, you move on with people as if they were items on a shelf and could always be returned after using its full potential.
Ever since I met you. I tried to accept that some things were my fault and that it wasn’t the other’s, but I’ve realized? That I have to learn that there are times when damn right those people were the ones that were seeing it all wrong.
You’re like a rose where even if its beauty grows there’s thorns surrounding you.
And while I know that those thorns will pierce my skin and make me bleed I didn’t realize that it was hurting me until I snapped out of the admiration for your beauty and perfection, felt the blood pour out of my throat and bubble over my lips as I look to see a single thorn, piercing my heart.
There once was a time when I felt like I loved you.
That this admiration for you and this feeling on how I was drawn to you. I enjoyed your company, your laugh, your smile. I felt like I was important and my purpose was to make you feel appreciated and be by your side.
I didn’t realize that I had been acting like a servant more than a friend. Someone who only did to please and to get rewarded with kind words and pleasantries. Until the whip in your hands slashed into my back and made me topple over into my swirling void of desperation. And yes, I sound dramatic but don’t you fucking dare say that you have it worse because I. Know. That.
I’m well aware.
Though life is shitty and makes you wanna wrap a noose around your neck and drop the pain and suffering away. I happen to feel pain. Too.
I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning and never reaching the surface because I’ve fallen too deep.  Like I couldn’t breathe and my vision was blurry from the salty water that is purified and poisoned by dopamine.
No, this is not a heartbroken poem. I am not and was never in love with you in the first place. Whatever here that is spewed out on this sheet of paper is pure adrenaline who happens to be sick of having to be careful and sick of fear, andsick of having to act normal to you after what you told me.
You asked me why I wasn’t acting the same, well would you? If someone you thought, would be someone you’d cherish, the one you spilt your deepest secrets too. Tell you. That you didn’t do enough and that you were never helping with anything? That. Is how I felt that day.
My body made of glass, clear and unscathed. Cracked and broken until it was glittering dust, and your black ink seeped into me and filled me up. I wasn’t the same again. Though, I will admit not all of it was bad. I wish good will for the rest of your days, because you helped me become a phoenix, rising from the ash and flames.
The stained glass that is my being, is now beautiful in its own way.

And my heart beats louder than death...

I think my life will be a constant war
Between love and uncontainable joy
And empty shells peeling and floating away
But my heart beats louder than death
The life and passion that spark at my fingertips
Brighter than the afterlife bleeding into my vision
My arms will be strong from carrying my pain
And my heart will beat louder than death

I will dance with every swirl and twist of my soul
And I will cry harder than I ever thought possible
I will create and I will break and I will hurt
I will love and I will inspire and I will burn with the force of a thousand suns
And my heart will beat louder than death

I have only been on earth a short time
But thirty years feels like fifty
And through the agony and misery
I have walked, crawled when I must,
To this moment, this point in my life
Where I can finally hear the whisper of my breath
Feel the warmth in my veins
Appreciate the strength of my body
And hear my heart beat louder than death...

Life scripts and lost memories...

I get blinks of old memories
Seems like some old dreams
Clearer with each second
Dimmer then on

Just being in the moment
Forgetting to capture it
Now they remain only as dreams
And when i am at peace they crawl in
To take me away on this familiar island
Blissfully, far from troubles far from rain

These moments carved in our life scripts
Just like names of lovers on the beach
Only to be washed away smoothly comfortably
By punctual tides of time
And now all that remains
Are these vague old dreams in this script of mine

Notes.

When the turbulent winds of life
Carry me away
I sit in the silence of the stratosphere
Watching fingertips turn blue
Then black

And I write my notes
To the people I love
The people I’d lose
Ink welling from spiderweb cracks
In fingers no longer of any use
But to spill my heart
On lined pages, prison cells for words I’ll never say

The words crystallize
Vaporize
And I’m lifted gently to the ground
To carry on my day