confused and composed

I know you are not good for me...But it's worse without you...even when I don't want you...I end up needing you...you are my favourite joy...and my endless pain...I tried to hate you..but all I hated was how much I love you... 

Just for tonight...

Dear Rebound Sex, you must be the hardest thing to unravel right now. You see, I always opposed you, I looked down on you, I counted my lucky stars and I was proud to never have used you. You’re a crappy way to ease pain and you spin and twirl around in my head, taunting me, seducing me. You make me lose my mind about what could be or couldn’t be or what never really was, at all.

Dear Rebound Sex, the fact that I turn to you must be the most desperate thing I’ve done. I’m afraid, of being rejected, being accepted, being in love or not feeling anything even though I thought I did. You corrupt me to no end. I throw my standards out the window, I give in to my temptations, like a warm bath I sink into you and for a moment, just a moment, my head is silent. My ears hum, my skin tingles, my fingers trace lines on your back, my legs pull you closer. For a moment, I feel loved. I feel appreciated. I feel beautiful. But as sanity fades and insanity takes over, or it might just be the other way around, I open my eyes and see nothing but darkness in the bed where we sleep. You have rolled over and are now snoring peacefully while I dissect my every thought.

I have corrupted everything I stand for, I am a notch in a bedpost, a stain on the sheets, a discardable sex toy, an empty vessel that once contained confidence, trust and love. I’m only part of a list and objectified by my body, I’m cheap and easy and I am ashamed to no end, that I never had the back bone to oppose you. So tell me why, even when I feel like leaving in the middle of the night, distressed and struck by despair, I instead move close to you. I run my fingers through your hair, I hear you sigh contently, I kiss you on the lips and I hold on tight, preparing for a night of insomnia and doubts.

Dear Rebound Sex, we may never love, you might not even like, but just for tonight, can we pretend we do?

6:05 am

Orange streaks the sky,
Angry scars on the milky blue
Remnants of the night.
Eyes tight from lack of sleep, bloodshot.
Head pounds, mouth sour from
The taste of yesterday still.
The same clothes cling to skin
Kissed by smoke, drenched in whispers.
Hair knotted, makeup smudged
From tears. of joy or pain?
Early morning air, birds chirping
Along to the lonely sound of footsteps.

Stained glass

Walking on glass shards would be much less painful than being by you.
Because while glass is fragile, it’s already shattered, so I don’t have to worry about the cracks that would’ve been caused my own two feet.
Everything feels like it’s a mistake just waiting to happen, and one little step out of line would have you snap, hidden by heavy sarcasm and leaving me stunned in silence.
While you may dismiss cries and screams and lies, there’s no doubt in my mind that you analyze everyone around you.
You don’t think of yourself as special, yet you effortlessly  make everyone else think you are.
Annoyed by how people admire your work, you move on with people as if they were items on a shelf and could always be returned after using its full potential.
Ever since I met you. I tried to accept that some things were my fault and that it wasn’t the other’s, but I’ve realized? That I have to learn that there are times when damn right those people were the ones that were seeing it all wrong.
You’re like a rose where even if its beauty grows there’s thorns surrounding you.
And while I know that those thorns will pierce my skin and make me bleed I didn’t realize that it was hurting me until I snapped out of the admiration for your beauty and perfection, felt the blood pour out of my throat and bubble over my lips as I look to see a single thorn, piercing my heart.
There once was a time when I felt like I loved you.
That this admiration for you and this feeling on how I was drawn to you. I enjoyed your company, your laugh, your smile. I felt like I was important and my purpose was to make you feel appreciated and be by your side.
I didn’t realize that I had been acting like a servant more than a friend. Someone who only did to please and to get rewarded with kind words and pleasantries. Until the whip in your hands slashed into my back and made me topple over into my swirling void of desperation. And yes, I sound dramatic but don’t you fucking dare say that you have it worse because I. Know. That.
I’m well aware.
Though life is shitty and makes you wanna wrap a noose around your neck and drop the pain and suffering away. I happen to feel pain. Too.
I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning and never reaching the surface because I’ve fallen too deep.  Like I couldn’t breathe and my vision was blurry from the salty water that is purified and poisoned by dopamine.
No, this is not a heartbroken poem. I am not and was never in love with you in the first place. Whatever here that is spewed out on this sheet of paper is pure adrenaline who happens to be sick of having to be careful and sick of fear, andsick of having to act normal to you after what you told me.
You asked me why I wasn’t acting the same, well would you? If someone you thought, would be someone you’d cherish, the one you spilt your deepest secrets too. Tell you. That you didn’t do enough and that you were never helping with anything? That. Is how I felt that day.
My body made of glass, clear and unscathed. Cracked and broken until it was glittering dust, and your black ink seeped into me and filled me up. I wasn’t the same again. Though, I will admit not all of it was bad. I wish good will for the rest of your days, because you helped me become a phoenix, rising from the ash and flames.
The stained glass that is my being, is now beautiful in its own way.

And my heart beats louder than death...

I think my life will be a constant war
Between love and uncontainable joy
And empty shells peeling and floating away
But my heart beats louder than death
The life and passion that spark at my fingertips
Brighter than the afterlife bleeding into my vision
My arms will be strong from carrying my pain
And my heart will beat louder than death

I will dance with every swirl and twist of my soul
And I will cry harder than I ever thought possible
I will create and I will break and I will hurt
I will love and I will inspire and I will burn with the force of a thousand suns
And my heart will beat louder than death

I have only been on earth a short time
But thirty years feels like fifty
And through the agony and misery
I have walked, crawled when I must,
To this moment, this point in my life
Where I can finally hear the whisper of my breath
Feel the warmth in my veins
Appreciate the strength of my body
And hear my heart beat louder than death...

Life scripts and lost memories...

I get blinks of old memories
Seems like some old dreams
Clearer with each second
Dimmer then on

Just being in the moment
Forgetting to capture it
Now they remain only as dreams
And when i am at peace they crawl in
To take me away on this familiar island
Blissfully, far from troubles far from rain

These moments carved in our life scripts
Just like names of lovers on the beach
Only to be washed away smoothly comfortably
By punctual tides of time
And now all that remains
Are these vague old dreams in this script of mine

Notes.

When the turbulent winds of life
Carry me away
I sit in the silence of the stratosphere
Watching fingertips turn blue
Then black

And I write my notes
To the people I love
The people I’d lose
Ink welling from spiderweb cracks
In fingers no longer of any use
But to spill my heart
On lined pages, prison cells for words I’ll never say

The words crystallize
Vaporize
And I’m lifted gently to the ground
To carry on my day

Thoughts of an aching soul...

Lately I have been in love with the thought of vanishing
with the blissful sensation of fluctuating
like air particles
slowly losing
my soulless body
my aching mind
free of thought
surrounded by the dark
by the brilliants
by the sublimely inexplicable
resonance of the ocean
on a mystical exotic coast
altering my consciousness
pondering
contemplating
dwelling
on
how I’ll end it all...

Mindful rants..

I’ve come to realize that the absence of expression signifies the presence of regression. That if one were to cage their emotions, repress their thoughts, bite back the tip of their tongues to keep the words from falling; disquietude will make a home of their body. Forebodings will move into the guest room, and anxiety will plant poisoned seeds in their garden. No dam in the world is powerful enough to hold back the oceans in her eyes, but brick by brick she will try. She will hold back the ocean until the strain becomes something even Atlas could not bear. She will beg to release the ocean, release its weight, but she forgot how her tear ducts work and her hands ache to lift Atlas’ burden to distract from her own. And now her home lies on the other side of the dam, the unwelcome guests having made themselves comfortable. She begs her body to release the ocean, to drown the garden and wash away the remnants of its residual poison. She’s begging on her knees, and to some it may look like she’s praying for divine intervention. To others it will look like she’s awaiting an execution. 

Let this be my last sleep...

Can I lay down on your lap Ma
Can I just close my eyes for two seconds
I want to rest Ma
Rest my eyes Ma
Rest my soul,
I'm in pain ma, let it all dissolve as you stroke my hair
And let me pass in to the land where all is blank and peaceful
Can I lay down on your lap Ma
Can I just close my eyes for two seconds
I'm tired of this world Ma
I don't think I fit in anymore
Just let me rest my fears and sleep as the winds swallow my pain
Can I lay down on your lap Ma
Can I just close my eyes for two seconds...

Karma's Inferno

You prepared me for fire
Slowly warming my days
Now you burn for another
I watch and twist in the blaze...

In your grasp...

...Pain so sharp, it pierced my soul
An illusion so vivid, it embroiled my world
The vines of my heart stifling my breath
The thorns of sorrow, grasping my mind
Confusion, chaos and misery all at once
A bundle so priceless yet better than none
The ailment of the soul
That only time can cure
For now I must wait with this pain so pure...

Sleepless

My eyelids weigh heavily at the tug of sleeps firm hand, but my mind refuses to submit.          
I play my past mistakes in a haunting nightly montage. 
Each evening until the darkness breaks to dawn, I build upon the shrine of my angst.
The hours vanish along with my sane thoughts,
As the lining of my conjuring’s sepulcher grows thicker.                                
I rearranging the wiring of my mind,
Eventually pull a wire that releases me from anxiety’s catacombs;
And  allows slumber to infest my weary bones. 

Existential Analogies...

In a lot of ways each of us are different
We hurt differently; we laugh differently
In every move, in every spoken word
In every emotion expressed and let go
We show and share ourselves a little more
Like dots in he night sky that form a celestial bond
We beings have an existential bond
Of laughter, amazement, anger and sorrow
All in the hope of a better tomorrow
But have we ever stopped to consider
That we may not be connected
What if we do not have an agenda
What if there is no big picture
there is no heaven or hell
no rewards or retribution
Just dots that aimlessly bob around
Hoping just hoping that we mean something
That maybe all that we endure and enjoy
Is for a reason; a bigger plan
That we are but a community that thrive with each other
And not die in isolation

These questions bother me more today
Than they ever have in a lifetime
I want things to change
I want to grab on to the reigns and lead myself into the madness
We call home!

Do I even belong?

I'm not sure where to start
All I understand is this yearning to belong
Lost in all the commotion
My thoughts I cannot hear
Everywhere I look, I see
The nightmares that drew me in
I think I'm free, free from the pain
Then why do I still feel sore,
Sore through all of my being
Like all that I believed in
Was RAPED
Raped of my innocence, my integrity
And the dreams I once held close
Where do I look now
For help that I dont understand
But NEED
As I tread along these roads confused and lost
I know not where to look
I know not where to go
I know not how to be
How to be ME?

Dignity; Myold friend...

I woke up today beside my dignity,
It blinked its lazy eye and blew in my face,
I smelt abandoned buildings and forgotten faces.

I breathe through corrupted lungs,
It’s you I am breathing,
The riot of colours is dead in its paltry grave.

I reside amongst roses long forgotten,
They tell me stories of the lovers, who never came looking for them,
My dignity chokes back its sadism.

Burnt and bitter; I have woken up fitful on a bed of ash,
I used to be friends with sleep,
It’s the art of somnambulating I have discovered.

I am leaving I say,
I pack my bags, stuff them with feelings,
Your words; I know a graveyard nearby.

Dignity, too much fucking dignity,
I was told, will be the death of me,
I smile a savaged wild smile.

Partners in crime...

There is a sadness that sleeps within me,
It wakes up only to feed,
It says it will eat me alive; A few years down the line.
I wash the fear down with rum,
Write; to dissolve its threatening life form,
It is consuming me, growing inside my body.
It is a bastard child,
I am the mother, who nurtures it,
I gave it wings, now it flies, within my mind.
I am made up of the darkest of matter,
There is no galaxy within me, no stars that shine,
I sleep under a loveless sky.
I wrench my pain; enclose it in my silent suffering,
“Nobody must know”, it says,
“That we are partners in crime"

Destiny fulfilled...

The razor's edge
Honed...
Sharp...
Slicing ...
Tearing away
A flash of light
Ending it all
Seeking pain
The final ecstasy
Searching
Reality
Destiny fulfilled
Death.

Maybe this is how it ends...

My eyes are tired, don't want to close them.
'Cause if I do, I know I'll break down.
The light in me is starting to grow dim
and yet I'm still so tightly wound.

My body hurts, still I move on.
My heart gets faster with every beat.
I wonder, will I make it to dawn?
No one knows so I retreat.

Running on the inside, I trip and fall;
I feel the pain scourge through.
I miss my sanity most of all
and realize there is nothing left to do.

So when I fall, I don't try to stop;
everything slows in pace.
I just let my body drop
and feel relief spread across my face.

I lie in the dark, cold and alone,
thinking about how I don't care.
The meaning in this is still unknown
and try to decipher, I do not dare.

I shed a tear and close my eyes;
I let myself crumble apart.
I feel a piece inside of me die
and knowing this breaks my heart...

Uncertainty...

Uncertainty beckons me
These fears I cannot hide
Leading a life of falsities
A kaleidescope of sorts
Remembering the days gone past
Of things said, promises made
Of lies told, of pains unspoken
What am I yet to find out?
While I weave this web of deceit
You seem even more distant
The truth is I'm saving myself
From feeling anything for you
I see a little part of me disappear
As I fade from your life...